I don’t like Autumn. It’s cold, it’s dark and it’s full of unpredictable, shit weather. All this bollocks about it being the season of snuggly jumpers and cups of hot tea is a load of SHIT. It’s freezing in the morning so you wrap yourself up in so many layers that you can’t move your arms and then by lunch time it’s practically tropical and you’re sweating your arse off.
The other day I was walking back to the office after my lunch break. It hadn’t been windy when I left work but 30 minutes later, it was practically a hurricane. I was innocently tottering down the hill when I heard a rumbling noise coming from behind me that was getting increasingly louder and louder. I looked back and saw to my horror that there was a wheelie bin thundering towards me and my first instinct – rather than just stepping out of the way – was to start sprinting away from it.
So there I was, a grown woman, legging it down a hill while being pursued by a bin on wheels and wondering why these things always seem to happen to me. Because they always do. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a life in which getting taken out by a wheelie bin wouldn’t be the most ludicrous thing that’s happened to me.
Luckily the bin hit a pot hole in the pavement that sent it hurtling into the road where it came to a slow, juddering stop. I did consider leaving it lying there in the road in the hopes that a car would hit it and end its reign of terror once and for all. But then I felt the judgmental stares of the people walking by who seemed to think that the bin was somehow my responsibility. And someone – who was stood safely on the other side of the road! – actually had the nerve to say “Oh that really scared me!” as though they were the one who had just almost been flattened by a bin.
I did end up wheeling it back up the hill because I am a conscientious and kind person (and also because I don’t cope well with peer pressure). And it’s definitely not going to chase anyone else because I practically buried it in gravel. But it was a bit awkward when I had to explain to all my new work colleagues why I was late back from lunch… and then they spent the afternoon taunting me with wheelie shit puns about bins.